For Kripity

Kripity, Kripity, doc
Sister of mine
Cancer lit up your clock
Giving its sign

Reminding us all
Of life’s preciousness
Scaring us all
Scaring you most

If I could
Will it away
I’d take it away
But what I know best

Is that fear
Brings change
Change for the good
Change for the better

It isn’t easy
To be the medium
Delivering the message
To help others remember

That life isn’t about
Having the newest car
The biggest, newest house
The best designer purse

It isn’t easy
To be the one
Wearing cancer
For all to see

You know life
Comes in those moments
In between
Where

A smile and a giggle
Light up your life
A warm embrace
Pours life into your soul

A quiet moment
Seals up your cracks
And settles into your bones
Allowing your core to emerge

Poignant moments
With the ones you love
Reveal the true meaning
Of your existence

Life is rarely
Easy and carefree
It has hills for climbing
But also for coasting down

We slip and slide
Cry and laugh
Beg and plead
For your returned health

Remember
You are amazing
Resilient, adored
And most of all beautiful

Your strength
Shines from within
Pulling you up
In your darkest moments

Lifting you up
Into the light
So you can take back
Your cancer-free life

I love you.

Tim is Home from Afghanistan

When you were just a boy of 5
I left to start my adult life
Off to college I went
Before I left, you tugged my sleeve, and said
"You can't go. You're the other mom."
"Sorry Timmy. I'll miss you, but I must go."

Then we reversed roles
Last summer as a man of 24
You journeyed to Afghanistan
To serve your country and your fellow man
Before you left, I hugged you close, and said
"Please be safe, Tim. This is could mean your life."

Now, hallelujah!
You’ve safely left the strife
I celebrate that blessing
But never forget your comrades
Who didn’t come back
Who don’t have their lives

With each day
I know you will find
A little bit of peace
And a different meaning to your life
So please be kind to yourself
And know your fortitude amazes big sis Jen

As you reintegrate
And process all your experiences
Without the filter of war
Remember it is one day at a time
One memory at a time
And ask for help as you need it

I’m one phone call away
Always available to you
Very unlike the hills and mountains
You climbed up and down there
Never forget that I want you to know
How proud I am of you and the man you’ve become

Popcorn and Giggles

I smile
As I see
You both cuddle into
My bed

Bouncing as you go

Today is
A day for girls
Only
No boys allowed

Lighting up the atmosphere

About to begin
Today we bring
to you the
Grace & Meghan film fest

Popping corn

Preparing to view
Barbie's finest show
The Back Yardigans in style
All the while

Eating popped corn

Periodically
Bouncing up and down
Infectious laughter
Erupts

Giggling your way into Mama's heart girly style

My Baby Girl

For the longest time
You bonded immensely
With your Daddy

So much so
That I worried
We wouldn't have a connection

I knew in my heart
That you loved me
But still I hoped

And prayed
That you would
Find a day

Where I would
Be of interest
And worthy of your excitement

Well here it is
My second born
Sweet precious miracle

Can't be without me
Rediscovered Mommy
And clutches me close

Fickleness aside
I've always known
You won't be little for long

Eventually
You'll grow faster
And faster

Explore more things
Outside the boundaries
Of our home

But you
Will always be
My baby girl

Sweet, mischievous
Gorgeous, precious
Meghan Rose

Hamster Wheel

Can I buy
A Littlest Pet Shop
With my own money?

Can I? Can I?

Can you drive, Mom?
Can you? Can you?
It's my own money.

Can I? Can I?

As I reply
"Ok. Let's go!"
You don't hear

Can I? Can I?

Of course
I say
And a sparkle hits your eyes

Yahoo! Yahoo!

Let's go! Let's go!
Give me a moment
To fetch my purse

Yay! Yay!

We find the store
And the perfect pink aisle
As you pensively study each item

This one! This one!

It's soooooooo cute
See, it's a baby hamster
Oh yes, I do

Please! Please!

It's your money
Sweetie
I'm glad you like it

Wheeeee! Wheeeee!

Your glee
Warms and powers my heart
Like a hamster on a wheel

Sleep

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"
I awake from my stupor
Find myself gliding
Across the carpet
To your bedside

Before I've even registered
I'm awake
At an hour fit for the dead
Your soul calls my sleeping
To awake

Blinking I subconsciously
Arrive to rescue
My baby girl
Bringing love and peace
And comfort

"It's okay, Megsy."
Reassuring
Distracting
Filling your sleep
With subdued dreams

Kissing your
Soft, sweet cheeks
Stroking your
Silky locks
Hoping I've succeeded

In tucking
you back in
In grabbing those
scary dreams
And taking them far, far away

In helping you to know that
You are loved
Have no dreams to fear
That your dreams will take you
Far, far in this life

Sleep my baby girl
Sleep

Balance

I try and try
To find balance
Between my heart and mind

You play and play
Not knowing
You fill my heart up

Carefully
One foot
In front of the next

You tip toe
Turning on the edges
Teetering

Arms astride
Blond locks waving
Long legs pointing

Finding your own
Balance
Taunting me with your wisdom

Teasing me
With your inner peace
And knowledge of grand design

Giggling
As I
Say "Be Careful!"

Smirking
As you catch me
Studying your every move

Sprinting away
To find
Your next pleasure

Knowing
Of
Life's simplicity

Unknowing
Of
Jadedness

Keeping
Your Mama
On her toes...beaming with pride

For My Babies

Inside my heart races
Yet I keep my reserve
I hate these blood tests
As much as they do

Smile!
Keep calm!
They need to draw
On your strength

Sitting in a green chair
I offer my arm
To give of me
So they may find a cure

DNA links us together
And they will sequence it
And grow cell lines
Hoping to find shared genes

My girls gather around
Meggie holds my hand
Grace's eyes study
As life flows from me...for my babies

Surprising Results

My hopes were not high
Past experience taught me
You have trouble
With blood tests

Once you tried to bite
Another you bounced
Off all four walls
Others we restrained you

Many tantrums erupted
Even as a small baby
We had to
Poke your life from you

We had to know
If Alpha-1 would show
Even if your senses assaulted
Even if it hurt

My momma heart bled
Every time
I wanted to run
Run with you far away from Alpha-1

So this time we prepared
We had mental rehearsal
A tourniquet would go on
Numbing spray applied

The poke would be quick
Hurt less than a shot
"I know you can do it."
"But Mom," you'd whine.

But I doubted
I prepared for the worst
Even bribed you
With 25 cent jewelry

Some told me you could do it
But I believed otherwise
Until you turned on a dime
And showed me you could

Sitting there peacefully
Watching it all calmly
Making Mama so proud
My brave Gracie :)

For My Tinker Bell

My miracle girl
Inspiring me daily
With your fierce nature
So independent and strong
Gathering knowledge

Driven to be older, bigger
Not realizing that you
Are older and wiser than most
An old soul dwells within you
Seeking out final lessons

Yet your wisdom exudes from
Your pixie-like size
Never, ever stopping Tinker Bell
Showing off your mischievous
Crooked, cross-bitten smirk

You've lived more life
In five short years
Than most live in a lifetime
You faced micro prematurity head on
Adding to my graying hair

Your tininess trapped your spirit
For a while
But the blues of you revealed
Your Cheshire character beneath
Clawing from within to escape

Shackles now shed
A bright shimmery essence glows within
As you charge through life
Rejoicing in your freedom
Spreading your pixie dust

Adding to my sly grin
As I celebrate your free spirit
Knowing I delivered magic to the world
Only five short years before
I revel in the wonder of you

Beautiful Butterfly

Day's light
I approach your slumber
You emerge from your cocoon
Blinking in confusion

I take notice of
The blues of you
How they caught my love
In their sights

The day I became a mom
Not knowing true love
Until
I knew you

Loving naturally
Generous of spirit
Unending love for all
Fragile yet amazingly strong

How can it be?
That you entered
Your seventh year
Growing quickly

Today
You amazed me
Reading all of your birthday cards
Aloud to your guests

Flashing back
To you
A top my lap as a toddler
Reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar

I proudly watched as you
Clumsily pushed the board book pages
As I said "Turn the page."
My pride beaming with your unusual feat

Now you read to me
Growing and changing
Expanding your horizons
Gleefully gaining knowledge

Evolving, maturing
Your transformation
Unfolding your beautiful wings
But always remaining Gracie

I can't wait to see
The evolution of you
As you spread your wings
Flying gracefully

Standing at the crossroads
Looking out at the horizon
Wanting to fall
Or run the other way

Unknowing
Illiterate of life's map
Lessons still being learned
Seeking wisdom

Standing at the crossroads
Feeling torn
Not knowing the outcome of
Unforeseen futures

Remembering
How I arrived
How I've grown
Past and present

Standing at the crossroads
Needing clarity
Centering myself
Mad at the edges

Unbelieving of
The deterioration
Taking stock of good fortune
Even in the midst of the wilting

RIP Jasmine

You purred your way into my heart
Even though I was afraid to love a new pet
Not wanting to feel a loss again
Yet here I am today, tears coming easily
My kitty friend gone off to heaven

Am remembering
Our special min-Jazzer, Jattymin
Remembering how you were a contradiction
A first rate boxer
A gentle hearted snuggler

Timmy's pal and confidant
So in love with his "beeah" blankey
Holding it in your teeth
Kneading it lovingly
Becoming embarrassed when caught

Finding a sunny spot
Lounging in the window frame
Calling to the birds lovingly
Patiently pretending to be a friend
Hoping to get a feathery taste

Allowing me to "cratch unna a neck"
Snuggling in for more scratching
Purring until you were done
Letting me know
With hissing

Playing tacky cat with Mom
Getting all riled up
Letting out a low growl
Rearing up on your haunches
Prancing down upon her wrist

Enjoying your catnip filled missile toy
Rubbing it on your cheeks
Holding it gently with your front paws
But attacking it with your back claws
Making us all laugh

Helping me to know it was okay
To love another kitty again
Purring as I stroked you
Enriching our family
You'll always be loved

Rest in peace Jasmine

Almost Seven Now

In my reality, you just came screaming
Out of me, annoyed to have been born
All scrunched up, blinking, and fussy
So incredibly hard to soothe

Almost seven now

My beautiful baby grows and grows
Not only in size but in depth
Danni Kitty, your faithful follower
Baby dolls tucked in carefully

Almost seven now

Schnibbles of this and that
Strewn throughout your world
Bottle caps and paper clips
All so incredibly important to you

Almost seven now

Memorizing songs
Laughing maniacally
Easily finding tears
Easily finding anger at injustice

Almost seven now

Dealing with sensory input oddly
Yet endearing yourself to those around you
Bouncing out of step clumsily
Dancing off balance, tripping wildly

Almost seven now

Improving your handwriting
Still forming letters in a way most do not
Creating your own art
Speaking precise German

Almost seven now

Learning to read and write in English
Without instruction
Wowing me with your natural ability
Loving math and finding it easy

Almost seven now

Selling cookies
Practicing violin
Remembering your gym shoes
On days you have Sport

Almost seven now

Afraid to be alone in the house
Desperate for your sister as built-in playmate
But not inclined to share what is yours
But then inclined to share when it suits you

Almost seven now

Quick with an "I love you"
Hugging in a way that drains energy
Needing to please
While being brutally honest

Almost seven now

Worrying for Uncle Timmy's safety
Counting your loved ones
Missing best friend Zoe in Switzerland
Proud of yourself

Almost seven now

Your mom finds the time moving faster
Unbelieving she contributed to
Amazing, undeniably shining you
And needing more and more of you

Always and forever in Mama's heart

Just a Boy

When he was just a boy of 5
I left to start my adult life
Off to college I went
Before I left, he tugged my sleeve, and said
"You can't go. You're like the other mom."
"Sorry Timmy. I'll miss you, but I must go."
Now we've reversed roles
This summer as a man of 23
He left to join the Army
To have a purpose and mission in life
Before he left, I hugged him close, and said
"Are you sure Tim? This is could mean your life."
His Airborne training now is complete
He has landed safely on his feet
A deployment is not far off
He'll leave to serve
But before he goes
I want him to know
How proud I am of him and the man he's become

Rake, rake, rake

Peering out the front window
Yellow, orange, and brown leaves blowing

Rake, rake, rake

Your child sized hands clasp the handle
Working hard at being a big kid

Rake, rake, rake

Holding the handle awkwardly
Barely moving any leaves

Rake, rake, rake

Heaving sighs
Wiping your brow

Rake, rake, rake

But helping and learning
Morphing in front of my eyes

Rake, rake, rake

Giving me tears of joy
Knowing your childhood time is flying by

Grow, grow, growing mama's love for you

Amaze Me

My precious miracle, Meggie
You continue to amaze me

As the way your smile
Curls up to reveal sparkles in your eyes

As your tiny frame
Hides under your oversized clothes

As you reveal a boo-boo on your knee
Waiting for Mommy's special kissies

As the warmth of you smells sweet
As you lean in for some love

As your fresh youth
Exudes from your being

And your radiant laugh
Erodes my adult essence

Reminding me that my melancholy
Will be transient

And you will always love me
As I love you

The Wait

Recently, I've rediscovered the creative side of me that uses poetry as expression and story telling. Here is an example of the "Me Time" I've recaptured:

Marble floor
Worn with time
Cold on my skin
While sitting

And waiting

New parents
Wonder if
They've found
The right place

And waiting

I watch
The long hallway
Anticipating
Your skips and hops

And waiting

Your sister
Climbs on my back
Connects her hands
Around my neck

And waiting

I feel
Her warmth
And excitement
And need to see you

And waiting

I finally
See your eyes
Connect with me
Seeding my soul

And waiting

You dart
And run
Dragging
Your backpack

And waiting

I realize
You've grown
But still need me
My special Gracie

Mama, Mama, Mom!

Mama, Mama, Mom!
I made this for you
It's simply beautiful
My, oh, my

A little piece of love
Wrapped in a roll of tape
Awkwardly folded
Unfolding layers of my heart
Imprinted love bolded

Mama, Mama, Mom!
Look at mine
Wow, you did a great job
My, oh, my

Blue sky eyes gleaming
Golden locks lit by laughter
Emblazoning memories
To last a lifetime
Bouncing away shimmery

Mama, Mama, Mom!
Never forget
How, they changed your life
My, oh, my

Chefs' Imaginary Paradise

Young chefs' imaginary paradise
It's cookies and ballet for today
Lemon, chocolate chip, butterscotch
Hip, hop, skip, plié

Ding, they are ready now!
Ut oh! They've burned
Throw them all out!
No! shrieks the younger

Those are my cookies
Momma scans the scene
My cookies are not burned!
They are not burned!

Arms folded, foot stomping
Fine then. They're melted though
Yay! Yummy melty lemon cookies
Tutus bouncing on their young frames

Dancing, imaginary cookie eatin' chefs
Momma's heart meltin'